Peace in my Heart

 

 

 

 

In my later years I developed this weakness called accommodating a person’s flaws. After all I’m not perfect and I shouldn’t expect my next mate to be. Unfortunately, this has proven to be more of a hindrance than a help. After having gone through a bitter divorce at the end of a 7 year marriage, and a six month relationship that hit a brick wall at this point I’m about sick and damn tired of writing these short stories about the women I’ve encountered.  It’s, as my mama used to say, “time out” for analyzing what went wrong and how can I make things right with the next relationship and start calling a spade a spade.

There’s a reason why men date several women at one time and feed each one of them with a long-handled spoon. And before you start thinking this is the angry rant of a bitter black man—It isn’t. This is going to be an in depth discussion focused on the rationale for selective dating. Let’s begin with the last female I dated: Aurora. I looked at my list of needs and wants and she fulfilled every characteristic on the list:

1. Gainfully employed

2. No children

3. Home owner

4. Sexually compatible

5. Her parents are still together

6. Outgoing personality

7. God-fearing

However, the one negative personality characteristic that hopelessly outweighed all of her positive attributes was this:

-10. Anger management issues

Against my better judgement I fell for her early in the game (biggest mistake) even though her biggest flaw reared its ugly head almost from the get-to. What she experienced the last remnant of accommodating disposition I possessed. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going on a hoing spree. I’m going to sit my ass right here and figure out how to not only move forward but also get my writing career off the ground in 2017. Nevertheless, her unstable sophistiratchet behavior eventually caused me to take pause and literally stop working on what would have been my next journal entry on this blog. To recap—What were the prevailing factors that have been deal breakers?

1. Ghetto mentality 

2. Inferiority complex

3. Inability to peacefully coexist

4. Verbally/physically abusive

I can’t take women seriously anymore because they don’t take life seriously. At least when it comes to developing a healthy relationship with a good man. I refuse to ‘take a look at myself’ and contemplate how I can be more accommodating. Too many women have perfected the art of shopping, clubbing, following reality shows, making dream boards, and fine dinning but refuse to figure out how to peacefully coexist with a man. 

 At this point it doesn’t matter what went wrong. The problem is blatant and recurring. That woman simply wants an arrangement. This woman has never been in a healthy relationship, so she acts out. That woman is broke and hasn’t figured out how to pick herself up, dust herself off, and rebuild her life. This woman is holding out for the perfect man that doesn’t exist. Meanwhile, she’s open to superficial baby boys beating her down emotionally, and psychologically.

That woman wants to control the relationship to the point of emasculating her man, and this woman only wants a sponsor. That woman simply isn’t fit for interpersonal or intra personal interaction due to being mentally unstable. This woman waited until she had 2 or more children, then decided she wants to “take her time”, wait on God, and find the right man. And finally, there’s that woman that will set her girlfriend up for failureby spreading misinformation.

I don’t have any answers. No one does. What’s worse is there are no answers when it comes to interacting with women. It’s simply a luck of the draw. As Rod Stewart said: “Some guys have all the luck, some guys have all the pain”. Certainly, there are happy relationships and happy marriages out there. The key is for both the man and the woman to be willing to constantly adapt to the point of anticipating behavioral changes and act accordingly.

Make a joint effort to plan for time and space to periodically transpire between the two i.e. a man having a man cave or a woman having ladies night out. This isn’t a magic solution because insecurity, selfishness, and immaturity can quickly wreck that situation. No—It’s not about love or money. It’s about achieving a healthy balance of spending an appropriate time apart with the goal of returning to each other and work on strengthening the bond you developed at the begining of the relationship.

As of now I’m single and have serious doubts about marrying again. I still feel broken and need peace in my heart. In the past I could quickly recover from setbacks but now it’s getting harder. I feel the scars from the past in my heart and they ache with each breath. I take responsibility for this pain because I know I could have easily avoided it instead of taking risks for the sake of achieving matrimony.

I will put myself back together. However, love is no longer an option. Why? Because love is intangible. It can’t be worn, spent, driven or eaten. Love is too easily mistaken for abuse, a conditional transaction, and a means of currency. Love should actually insulate one from these earthly limitations, which is why it lasts forever. I see now. I know I won’t encounter love. It sounds melodramatic but it’s true. And this is the source of my pain.


 

Posted on Tuesday, November 15, 2016 at 08:19AM by Registered CommenterRomulus Burnett | CommentsPost a Comment

Katrina

 

 

I jumped back into the water too soon—Fooling myself into thinking a divorce can be washed away like sand on a beach. When you devote yourself entirely to one person for 5 years your broad based interpersonal skills atrophies. Simultaneously, an abomination of interpersonal dysfunction mutates throughout the masses. The explosion of Reality TV, and a shift from a dependency on oil to a dependency on social media has resulted in a society of hyper-independent, hyper-materialistic, self-absorbed, egocentric, superficial, intellectually deficient people bent on aggression and vengeance. 

Before I continue I will inform you the reader that this post is written for men so, ladies if you read this and become offended by what you read understand that western society is designed to cater to the whims and frailties of women, the “weaker sex”, while men are hardwired to rub some dirt on it and walk the pain off. Simultaneously in the last decade there has been a gradual yet systematic attack on the masculinity of men as women feel more emboldened to express their girl power, womanhood, sisterhood or whatever you want to call it. Therefore, I feel the need to address this issue of concern through this post.

Yeah—You’re going to read this and think to yourself that I’m bitter and angry or that I’ve been hurt by someone. Neither is the case. If it were the case, and you’ve been reading my blog, then you know I would tell you if such happened. So, here I am participating in days of hours of cellphone/Face Chat/text message conversations with “Katrina”, a chiseled, chocolate fitness competitor who has captured my attention while interacting on social media. In the beginning (as usual) the conversation is very engaging as we explore each others interests. We’re both very athletic, adventuresome, extraverted, assertive people that love to travel and that’s where the commonalities end. 

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking—The ink isn’t even dry on the divorce papers yet and you’re already chasing women. 3 things: Firstly, the last two years of living in a failed marriage was more than enough time for me to get over Alecia long before she walked out of the door with her endless wardrobe. Second, It’s that much easier for me to let go and move on if I have done everything in my power and beyond through prayer to save the marriage regardless of whether she participated or not. Thirdly, this at best was going to be a long distance relationship, which means the ink would have plenty of time to dry if something more than talking on the phone were to develop. One good thing I can take from this failed marriage is the ability to hypothesize, identify, and diagnose the behavior of a woman with a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which leads me back to Katrina.

 In talking with her I decided to take a calculated risk and and tell her some of the details of my failed marriage. She asked repeatedly for details so, I gave her what she wanted. Now, again, I know what you’re thinking—You shouldn’t dump on a new love interest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s a method to my madness, so keep reading. 

In the event of divulging Alecia’s issues and as to what went wrong with the marriage Katrina—well—didn’t so much as side with Alecia’s behavior so much as she conveyed that I should have never been with her to begin with. On two occasions, however, she also began her query with “What did you do wrong?” As if the reason for divorce was all my fault—Red flag #1. Even when I told her she took my Acura she replied: “She should have taken the BMW.” Yeah, that was trifling to say whether she thought she was just being funny or not. 

As the hours and days progress, yes, we do engage in rather explicit phone/text sex, which mostly involved me doing all the work and her saying: “then what?” Yep, that was red flag #2. If she can’t even reciprocate over the phone she’s definitely going to be a wet rag in person. So, here I go painting a picture of a romantic getaway—A cabin in Gatlinburg complete with the dining, mood music, and romantic set-up in the bedroom. So, when it’s her turn to share she starts off with making marshmallows (what the hell?) for dinner. Not only can this chick not cook she can’t even imagine a damn meal to make. Jesus Christ—Red flag #3. 

 

Hey—look—It’s not like I want a woman to be home barefoot and pregnant and waiting at the door with a good home cooked meal in one hand and my slippers in the other (by the way I don’t have slippers). I simply just want to know that in the event of sharing household responsibilities that she could cook a decent meal. After all I know how to cook, clean and take care of a house inside and out but I’m not going to do it all by myself. The deal breaker: In the beginning of our wonderful interaction I conveyed to her that she could have all the time she needed to plan for our meeting. I told her this mainly because she acted so apprehensive when we first started talking. Now that we’ve talked for a number of days and she’s grown so comfortable as to want to have phone/text sex everyday, call me muffin, babe, and honey for hours on end perhaps it’s time to plan an appropriate time to meet. 

 

“So, I think at this point it’s time to talk about arranging a time to meet.”

“Wait a minute! You said I had all the time in the world to make up my mind! Not you’re going back on your word and changing on me!” 

“No. Nothing has changed. It’s just better to at least make an attempt to plan a date whether it’s 2, 3 or 4 months down the road.” 

 

From that point on everything went south. All the babies, and the honies and the muffins disappeared into thin air—Red flag #4A. Suddenly, every conversation we have somehow is twisted into me being at fault for suggesting a certain time to meet—Red flag #4B. Suddenly, every conversation twisted into her being emotionally abusive—Red flag #4C. Suddenly, every conversation twisted into trying to make me feel guilty about making her accountable for wanting to continue the relationship—no—interaction beyond a smartphone—Red flag #4D. Really? So, I’m supposed to profess my love to her and re-assure her about my feelings for her everyday yet she cannot do the same? It’s okay for her to enjoy all the fruits of my vivid imagination but when it comes to being accountable for her end, then I’m the guilty one for making her accountable? Suddenly, I’m supposed to squirm for her affection—Punishment for holding her accountable for setting a reasonable timeline to meet. Yeah, that was red flag #5, 6, 7, and 8.

 

I’m sure you’re thinking at this point that I’m pretty gullible and stupid to go through all of these shenanigans with a woman—A female—that is obviously maladjusted. Hey—I’m on vacation and other than cleaning out the house, working a second job and running errands I wanted that kind of entertainment. It was a win-win for me. If the interaction had come to fruition, then fine if not, then just as good. My vacation time is almost over and it’s back to the main grind that pays the bills and the benefits. If it makes you feel any better I abruptly ended our interaction 3 days ago because I already know what her issue is. There is no peaceful way to carry on or end an interaction or a relationship for that matter with a woman that has BPD. And here’s where the BPD comes into play: 

Women with BPD will do everything in their power to make themselves out to be the most spectacular being to ever grace you with their presence. However, the second that they don’t feel they have complete and total control over the person they’re involved with the switch is flipped and they unleash their abusive behavior. Here are some of the characteristics as pointed out by healthy place.com:

 

• Low self-esteem – some abusers abuse others to make themselves feel good about themselves, although some people feel that the opposite is true in many cases.

• Rush into relationships – some abusers enter relationships and claim “love at first sight” very quickly, perhaps fearing being alone. (Read about: Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships)

• Extreme jealousy – an abuser may see jealousy as a sign of love rather than possessiveness.

• Having unrealistic expectations or demands – an abuser will demand that the victim be the perfect spouse, lover and friend and fill every need, even when this isn’t reasonable or healthy.

• Create isolation – an abuser will work to cut off ties to the victim to keep the victim completely centered on the abuser.

• Use of force during sex – acting out scenarios where the victim is helpless may be part of their sex life.

• Use drinking to cope with stress – alcohol doesn’t cause the abusive behaviors but abusers have a higher-than-average rate of alcohol abuse

• Have poor communication skills – abusers may have trouble with open conversations about their feelings so they abuse instead.

• Are hypersensitive – abusers often take the slightest action as a personal attack.

• Appear charming to others – abusers tend to hide all their abusive behaviors in other scenarios so that the victim is the only one that sees their abusive side making it very difficult for the victim to reach out for help (Information About: Emotional Abuse Help).

Except for drinking Katrina displayed all of the characteristics listed above. Here are some more tell-tell signs that you’re dealing with a woman that suffers from BPD as identified by A Shrink for Men:

Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

 

Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name-calling. 

 Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

 

It’s quite necessary to inform you, particularly, if you’re a man reading this blog, that we should educate ourselves to the personality characteristics of these kinds of women. It’s not enough just to say “that’s just how they are” because in doing so you’re being an enabler to the situation and setting yourself up for perpetual hell on earth. It also helps to be able to actually identify the dysfunctional behavior for what it is, so you know how to end the interaction appropriately. Unfortunately, with women like this there is no help for them because you cannot help those that don’t see their behavior as wrong. Unless you’re just as emotionally abusive as she is, which could end very badly or go on in eternal damnation of mutual abuse, there is no way to reason with a woman that only sees herself as the dominate person, a person who in actuality is an abuser, in the relationship. And sorry but no—When it comes to relationships I’m a lover not a fighter. If I have to intentionally dominate a woman in order to have a relationship with a her, then I’d rather be alone. But we all know that’s not going to happen right? I’m just getting my feet wet again. Looking for my next Veronica.

 

Resources:

A Shrink for Men: Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is an Emotional Bully

Emotionally Abusive Men and Women: Who are They? 

Posted on Sunday, January 3, 2016 at 02:43PM by Registered CommenterRomulus Burnett | CommentsPost a Comment | References1 Reference

Woman.

You know your self-worth now the deal is this: What did the last 3 men you dated have in common that was corrosive to your happiness? That was a rhetorical question. Learn their negative personality traits. What is it about your personality characteristics that attracts these corrosive men? Reconcile with those shortcomings, forgive yourself, and focus on becoming whole again. 

Give yourself space from dating to decompress and rejuvenate your soul. When you do decide to dive back into the sea observe the next guy closely but not skeptically. Figuratively speaking, the second it starts to feel like the same country music song is about to que up on the record player walk away from the guy. 

At this stage in your life you don’t owe anyone multiple attempts to make the same mistakes at your expense. They are already hardwired and comfortable with their habits, so either they’re compatible at first contact or they’re not. And no amount of giving your heart and time to a man is going to change that. 

The right man will love, respect, and appreciate everything about you because he is comfortible in his own skin, not control, neglect or use you out of fear, insecurity, and low self-esteem.

Posted on Tuesday, August 18, 2015 at 09:44PM by Registered CommenterRomulus Burnett | CommentsPost a Comment | References1 Reference

Iconoclastic

Every time I feel doubt and discouragement slip it’s way into my psyche I’m reminded of moments in the past where my character set me apart from the rest. 

While on a date with a former classmate she felt the need to tell me that I was “weird” back in high school. At first I laughed. True—I was a rambunctious, rebellious kind of guy that aggressively rejected the teen hierarchy that categorized every aspect of ones life. But more importantly it was the desire to be my own man instead of being held captive to the angst of the general populous. 

There are people in the periphery and in close proximity that seek to destroy you on all fronts—Watch you fall at the heel of subjugation and live a life of mediocrity, fear and disillusionment. Resist the specter of conformity and follow your spirit to greatness and fulfillment.

Posted on Tuesday, August 18, 2015 at 09:13PM by Registered CommenterRomulus Burnett | CommentsPost a Comment

Animal Attraction

I refuse to accept the notion that somehow intimacy is only possible because a woman makes up her mind to allow it to happen. As if a man is totally helpless to a woman’s feminine wiles. As if men don’t have the capacity to do the same. The only difference between men and women is men are upfront and honest about their desires while, more often than not, most women cloak their desires under false virtue.

Posted on Tuesday, August 18, 2015 at 08:49PM by Registered CommenterRomulus Burnett | CommentsPost a Comment
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