The Usurper

You can always trust me to give you the low down, nitty gritty, real deal on whatever topic I discuss on this blog. I can tell you right now with no hesitation the dating scene for sensible men in South Florida is total garbage. This is my second tour of duty down here, this time living in Palm Beach, my first time being several years ago when I lived South of Miami. I may as well let you ladies know right now that what I’m about to reveal to you is going to be the bitter truth, so if you’re faint of heart or easily offended I suggest you stop reading now. After being here my second time around for nearly a year I’ve dated several women all except one having not one, not two but three illegitimate children. There was a time when I wouldn’t give a woman with one child a second look let alone a woman with three. However, over time I had to—yes—lower my standards and began dating single mothers due to the enormous influx.

In all seriousness—what is wrong with these women? Okay, I’ve grown to understand and accept a woman making a mistake and having one child out of wedlock but having two or three? And what is so daunting is the fact that there are so many women out there with multiple children. Come on—a woman pushes the envelope of reason when she has one child after another yet still thinks she can consider herself to be romantically marketable—expecting single men that have never had any children to all of a sudden accommodate them and their daycare center of children. When two people meet and develop romantic interest in each other they are supposed to have the time to give each other their undivided attention. Now the dating scene is so overrun with single mothers the time you spend with a single mom becomes a gamble.

How many dates will be canceled or cut short because she couldn’t find a babysitter? How many times are you going to have to be a pretend father because her kids are too much for her to handle alone? How many times are you going to have to run into the biological father and have him fuck up your plans because he doesn’t want to see his ex-wife (or in many cases just a former partner) move on with her life? How many times are you going to have to pretend like you’re just mommy’s friend so as not to improperly influence her impressionable children? How many times are you going to have to sit there on the phone or in person all night and listen to all her angst about being a single mom—knowing there ain’t a damn thing you can do or say but just sit there like a bobble-head toy and listen helplessly.

 Trust me, guys, when I tell you, you can go to any woman’s blog, website or a talk show, newspaper or magazine in South Florida and they will fill your mind with a bunch of bald-faced lies about there being no men to date. You can walk around anywhere, any time of the day or night and any day of the week and you will see nothing but women with their men in tow or women when their children in tow. Through observation you can surmise from the boyfriend’s body language he’s draped all over his woman for a reason. Either he knows he can easily be replaced at the drop of a hat or he’s in intense competition with a not quite ex-boyfriend, which is why you can’t talk to a woman in the gym—her boyfriend is never too far away. He periodically checks up on her while she’s trying to run a few miles on a treadmill or if he’s really insecure he’ll never leave her—working out with her side by side.

You can’t really interact with many women you meet at the club or the bar scene because they’re always with a gang of girlfriends that have a third degree black belt in cock blocking. Many of the women I’ve encountered, particularly, black women, aren’t traditionally single. Down here it’s the exact opposite—women aren’t interested in a man if he’s single, meaning completely by himself. They’ll only chase after a man if he’s involved with someone else. You get into a conversation with a sister and she’ll quickly tell you she doesn’t have a boyfriend but she’s in a “situation”.  You tell her you don’t get down like that and she’ll laugh at you either because she thinks you’re lying or because being a cheating ass two-timer is such the norm down here that you’re considered a freak if you don’t have anyone on the side.

I know at this point you’re thinking to yourselves that I’m just some negative, whinny loser with no game or I don’t have good luck with women because I’m too busy only chasing after the supermodel-looking females. Wrong. For a moment I was beginning to think I had lost my touch—it must be me. Then I decided to do a little research just to see another point of view  of South Florida. I came across an article online by Men’s Health entitled: The Best and Worst Places for Men to Live.

Miami was rated very low amongst the best places for men to live ranking a pitiful 89th, even below my hometown, Birmingham, Alabama, which came in at 88th and country ass Montgomery, Alabama (I can’t figure out how Montgomery rated higher than Bigger and more contemporary Birmingham) at 46th place. In contrast places like Durham, North Carolina came in at an impressive 10th place and Raleigh came in at 22nd place. I can personally vouch for both cities. I spent a few days with my cousins in Raleigh and Durham and I can tell you I haven’t met more friendly women anywhere else in North America. Not only are the women in general very friendly the very best looking women are surprisingly friendly. While scouting around town women made eye contact with me, smiled and even carried on small talk. Low and behold everywhere I went women in Raleigh and Durham would even selflessly scurry to the door and open it for me. In contrast, down here in South Florida you’ll be lucky if a woman doesn’t knock you down even if you’re trying to open the door for her and you’ll be lucky if she even looks in your direction, that is, if you can tell she is looking in your direction because designer shades are the rage down here.

It’s surprising how many women are either unattractive or overweight in South Florida, which only gives the attractive, fit women all the more reason to be arrogant, rude and obnoxious. While waiting in line at a clothing store the other day I witnessed a voluptuous, lean, athletic tanning salon brown woman with striking blue eyes and short curly blonde hair callously force her way through the cash register line while talking on her cellphone, bull dozing a shorter less attractive woman without even saying excuse me.

Now don’t get me wrong—in all that I’ve told you about the dating scene here don’t think it’s all gloom and doom. You know the old saying: “When in Rome….” If you’re willing to ditch the more conservative, mature, reasonable side of your personality and emphasize your more arrogant, immature, pompous, insensitive side you’ll get along just fine. Surprisingly, even though none of these women will admit to it, many of them are very thoughtless and shamelessly immature.  They gravitate to ignorant, irresponsible, abusive, careless, insensitive, cocky, arrogant men while shying away from more sensible men. Of course any of these women will tell you men that possess these negative attributes are a turn off and they wouldn’t give such “jerks” the time of day but when you ask them what their ex-boyfriends were like and they all have the same story—crying the blues about how much they were neglected, mistreated and taken for granted.

Everyone is entitled to their personal opinions. But what I take issue with is when black people, particularly, black women, premeditatedly and arbitrarily ostracize and alienate other blacks, particularly, black men who have chosen in the past or currently choose to date and marry outside of their race—not out of preference per se but due to the availability of desirable black women or lack thereof.

My issue is this: Firstly, if many black women are concerned with ‘their’ black men ‘betraying’ them for non-black women why are these women so hypocritical and contradictory as to condone or even go so far as to encourage other black women to date and marry outside of their race? Secondly, assuming that these black people, particularly, black women, have so much pride, love and unity for their people, their black men, how can they be so callous, indifferent, and intolerant—excluding certain black men from their pool of eligible black men due to something as petty as socio-cultural differences?

For all purposes lets exclude the demographic of black men and women that choose or have chosen to date and marry outside of their race for said superficial reasons, particularly, these black men and women that live in large metropolitan areas of the country where an abundance of eligible black men and women live yet ignore or squander that demographic. In my opinion these brothers and sisters are indeed narrow-minded, self-hating people that will never truly be happy until they deal with unresolved issues that range from bad childhood experiences with family members and/or friends to bad relationship experiences.

Black women must understand that just because a black woman is single doesn’t automatically qualify her as eligible or desirable. The number of single, successful, eligible black men may not be in abundance as single, successful, eligible black women but that certainly doesn’t mean brothers should lower their standards any more than sisters should lower theirs. Those of us black men that choose to set goals and accomplish them as well as maintain a certain standard of morals and character work just as hard, if not harder, to achieve success as our black female counterparts, therefore, we have the right to want equally yoked mates just as our female counterparts.

From my perspective there seems to be a romantic double standard  many black women adhere to. Many black women presume to exercise the right to be selective for whatever said reason and are selective mostly for the wrong reasons in my opinion. But it is considered a mortal sin amongst some sisters for black men to be selective under any circumstances. What compounds the issue is the illogical standard many sisters subscribe to as a reference in choosing a man. After having talked with many sisters I’ve ascertained that these women purposefully choose brothers as mates under the assumption that they can either help these brothers improve on their shortcomings or assume that if they invest enough energy into being the best significant other they can be that their efforts should, in theory, overshadow those brothers’ shortcomings.

It is fruitless, in my opinion, for women to choose brothers while overlooking obvious irreconcilable differences for no other reason than to just say they have a man yet for whatever said reasons shun other brothers that are more refined. By sisters indefinately preoccupying themselves with flawed brothers they close the door of opportunity to meet the right black men that may be better suited to meet their needs, which leads to this question: Why close that door of opportunity in the first place?

In my experience many sisters, more often than not, close that door of opportunity because they are reluctant to broadening their horizons. In a day and age where people enjoy the privilege of access and the opportunity of financial empowerment more than at any other time in the history of the world no one, man or woman, should be unwilling to broaden their minds by exploring opportunities of cultural enlightenment due to lack of exposure, force of habit or peer pressure as children or as adults. I’m not saying a sister should go and try sky diving or rock climbing but a sister can be open to making exploratory baby steps. For too long black women and black people in general have limited themselves to their own self-imposed stereotypes:

1. Black people don’t go to the beach or engage in any type of watersports.

2. Black people don’t go camping or engage in any kind of outdoor activity that involves going into wooded areas.

3. Black people only eat fish or chicken (if it’s fried) or any traditional selection of soul food.

4. Black people don’t listen to ‘white folks’ music.

5. Black people don’t attend/understand/enjoy venues outside of your two basic sports groups: Football and basketball.

If you’re a brother like me, then you’ve experienced the infamous default generic response a typical sister will give you in reaction to observing your choice of entertainment:

“I’m not used to that because that’s what white folks do.”

It’s one thing if you’re with, Shaniqua, the sister that hasn’t been any further than the neighborhood corner store but when you’re with a woman that has had the time and the opportunity to be exposed to various cultural experiences yet she passes up the opportunity time and time again to do so, then that’s a problem. Some sisters want the class, the style, and the good hometraining a brother can offer yet they either don’t want or don’t know how to deal with the byproducts a brother aquires as a result of being raised to a higher standard. It’s a problem many sisters will have to overcome if they want to be content in a relationship.

Herein lies a crossroads—I encounter non-black women that appreciate the qualities a more refined brother possesses. Do I endure disappointment and rejection from my own sisters while simultaneously rejecting non-black women for no other reason than simply because they’re not black? That in itself sounds illogical considering the only  reason to ‘stay true to my race’ would be preservation of one’s race. Black people are nowhere near in danger of becoming extinct. Do I follow my instincts—my heart—and align myself with a woman, regardless of race, who has walked into my life—who I may have valid feelings for and chemistry with? It is a decision I have to ponder in my head on a daily basis. In the end love and happiness is the only thing that matters and no one is responsible for achieving that state of atonement except me.

Why are you single? I’ve been asked that question several million times by women of all races and nationalities ranging from the age of 14 to 65. The answer is plain and simple: I refuse to comprimise my convictions. Now that doesn’t mean I go around giving hordes of women the thumbs down like some kind of self-absorbed, narcissistic, egomaniac. Those of you that have followed my blog are acutely aware of that.

What I mean by refusing to comprimise my convictions is, first and foremost, I will not allow myself to fall into a situation where I will abandon my faith in God and the doctrine of Christianity—I will not surrender my fundamental understanding of love. I will not yield to disfunctional concepts of love and friendship.  

Whenever I’m asked that why-are-you-single question I’m compelled to respond with this question: Have you ever been in love? You see, too many people confuse love with lust and instant gratification or a stepping stone—one of many goals that must be achieved during the process of  life such as graduating from college, landing the first job, buying a new car and purchasing the first home.

Albert Einstein was once quoted in saying: “How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”

Once you have experienced the essence, the unadulterated solemness of love you develop a self awareness and an awareness of life that facilitates a purpose, a direction in life—that is if you are blessed with the intellect and emotional maturity to comprehend what you’ve experienced.

Oh yes, I fully understood what overcame me when I fell in love for the first time—I spent nearly two decades trying to recapture that moment with other women before I finally came to the understanding that love cannot be denegrated. In all that time I was trying to recapture the essence of love through extrensic parameters knowing that I couldn’t just recreate the intensity, the chemistry, the oneness that occurs the moment you look into a woman’s eyes, so I tried to recapture the essence of love through extrensic parameters—I tried to approach love from a logical, extrinsic standpoint, which was my mistake.

Not having gotten into the game of love until I was in my early 20’s I felt I needed to catch up with a society that had already experienced the physical and emotional attributes and shortcomings of love or lust long before I had. I studied the various personalities of the women I encountered, trying to adapt, cope and comprimise with their differences.

By the time I had gotten a hang of romance many women my age, the ripe old age of 26, where either deeply, deeply involved with some guy or married, which is the interesting thing about women. They have this ticking time bomb-like timeline that things must be accomplished in the span of a lifetime.

I would be a millionaire ten times over if I had a dime for every female I came across that said they wanted to be married by 23, have 2.3 kids by 25, and be firmly settled in a career by 30. Of course, as you know, when a woman can’t adhere to that rigid timeline for whatever reason they become, for a lack of a better term, rather psychotic between the age of 29 to 34. So, to answer one of my reader’s questions: “Why don’t you date someone your own age?” It can be a pretty complicated ordeal.

The obvious choice for me was to date older women, primarily, because of the seriousness I tend to have when in a relationship. In my experience older women I’ve dated have either had the time to deal with not having accomplished certain romantic goals at certain times of their lives or have reconciled with the mistakes made in trying to adhere to such a rigid timeline. But what seemed to be misssing was the zeal, the fascination with life and the world. There was also a point where I focused my attention on younger women to capture the zeal and fascination but the missing element was the security and wisdom that comes with having lived.

I’m single because I refuse to give up on the notion that there is a woman out there that shares the same beliefs, goals, and aspirations in love, friendship and happiness. I consider each experience I’ve had with each woman to be valuable no matter what the differences in personalities I’ve experienced, no matter what the woman’s age was or race or nationality. The important thing is to collect and store the positive qualities of each experience and use those experiences as a guideline while continuing the quest for the right one for me.

I caculate that I saved myself about 400 bucks by simply choosing to ignore my cellphone and any opportunity to meet a woman. But when you calculate all the years where I dropped an average of about 550 a year on some broad—sometimes a different broad every year—that figures to be about 7000 dollars it makes me feel kind of stupid, used, cheated, hornswaggled, hoodwinked, depressed.

Oh sure I got my money’s worth in a variety of ways throughout the years but when you really think about it—the mental and emotional anguish I suffered over the time of each volatile relationship cancels out the temporary satisfaction I recieved from going out of my way to make some woman worship me and live a vicarious and insecure existence through me.

This is the first time in my adult life I’ve ever been without a lover and I must say it’s quite exhilerating. I treated myself to some expensive, chic sushi bar. No swank, erotic table for two bullshit. I just walked straight over to the bar, ordered a pot of hot green tea and charged over to the buffet. It felt so relaxing to just fill my plate with an asortment of exotic foods without having to listen to some chick whine and bitch about what she’s alergic to or afraid of. No need to feel guilty about ignoring the mundane conversation that usually occurs while trying to enjoy a nice meal—you know the kind of conversations where she talks about how she’s so interested in where our relationship is going, if my feelings are growing for her, and when are we going to spend more time together and blah, blah, blah.

I actually laughed at myself while I drove myself home from the sushi bar. I can’t believe how romantically generous I’ve been with females that didn’t deserve the air they breathed. There was a time where I would have hand made everything from the designer card all the way down to the authentically aged paper I printed the poem on, rolled into a scroll, and sealed it with hot burgundy wax with her initials imprinted. Yeah, I was a hopeless romantic back then. Still, it was worth it to waste my talents on some undeserving female so that I may capture the heart of the right woman for me in the future.

A fter some long and arduous analyzation of fan email I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some common misconceptions about me amongst my female readers. The misconceptions stem from my numerous relationships that range from me being  afraid of commitment and not wanting to settle down to hating myself and, as one sister put it, I’m: “bitterly disenchanted with women.”  At this time I feel it is necessary to dispell my reading audience’s first impressions.

My years of experience in dating have taught me to be very cautious about women. Contrary to women’s popular beliefs, a woman can be just as capable of being deceitful, underhanded, callous, two-timing, untrustworthy, indifferent and backstabbing as men—if not worse. Don’t take my candidness for callousness—I am very mindful that women, especially black women, have been treated unfairly by the brothers, perhaps even more so than vis versa, nevertheless, it is no excuse for many women to behave the way they do, especially towards men that are innocent of whatever dastardly deads another guy commited. Two wrongs don’t make a right—a woman has no more right to mistreat a man than a man has a right to mistreat a woman, regardless of the reason or excuse.

Some of the women I’ve dated tried to enforce double-standards such as the ole’ ‘it’s okay for me to dog you out/play the silly games I play because Ray Ray/Tyrone/Roderick/Leroy did me this way and that way last time but if you even so much as arrive ten seconds late on a date you’re the lowest peice of shit on Earth like all the rest of them’ game. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not biased in the least over this ordeal. Men are also just as capable of pulling double-standard stunts but since this is about me I’m going to stick to dropping knowledge from my perspective. Even though I sympathize with women in their trials and tribulations in dealing with men, I refuse to be subjected to the collateral punishment a woman will inflict on a man due to the sins of men from their past.

I have a distinct problem with a woman that uses her past experiences as an excuse to behave in a disfunctional way  due to her past experiences with a lover(s) or the absence of a male role model in their childhood. If I can take the time to teach myself how to be more resilient, cooperative and optimistic with future prospective mates, so should the woman—this is why I have taught myself how to use a romantic barometer when in the initial stages of getting to know a woman. I’m sure many of you are taking the natural defense of thinking that every woman may not be able to reach that level of resolve with themselves as I have and also use what I call the sav-a-ho complex, which is thinking that a man should take up the responsibility of helping a woman achieve reconsiliation. No—a person, man or woman, should be responsible for dealing with his or her own issues instead of creating an unecessary burden on his or her significant other.

 No, I don’t feel it is necessary for a woman to have the freedom to gamble with my emotions while she is free to proceed with her life, take risks and push the limits of my relationship boundaries, yet, if I am inconsistent in my behavior then I am punished and, thereby, for future purposes, she will behave begrudgingly towards me. It is a long and difficult process to learn how to resolve personal issues that impede on ones ability to facilitate a long lasting, loving relationship but it is worth it to resolve those issues even if it means taking a significant time away from dating to reflect on those issues and resolve them one by one. That may be difficult to do for some people because they feel they aren’t whole unless they have someone in their lives but here’s a sobering thought: As long as you let those issues go unresolved you’ll be less than your full potential no matter who you’re with.

 I refuse to invest myself emotionally with a woman that will make excuses on a continuous basis for her inconsistencies, yet remain emotionally dissonant. Some women have a tendency to want a man to come out of pocket for them but they will not come out of pocket for a man. In my experience, more often than not, a woman will maintain whatever course they have chosen to maintain in the act of interacting with a a romantic interest, regardless of the sacrifices he makes to get closer to her—in other words, she may not allow professional or educational priorities to be sidetracked in the least but it’s okay for the man, whom may think his efforts are making progress with her romantically, to lose his mind chasing after her, if he’s naïve and gullible enough to do so.

I’ve trained myself over the years to be wary of unbalanced situations like the aforementioned primarily because I have goals of my own. And if the woman I was involved with did not have the ability to see the value in achieving an atonement, a comprimise where we both can set as well as achieve our goals while giving each other emotional support and positive reinforcement, then I had to make the unfortunate decision to end the relationship. I’ve witnessed many cases where a significant other put his or her all into a relationship or marriage for years on end and lose themselves in the process only to end up miserable and unhappy. Unfortunately, we have trained ourselves to endure such mental and emotional anguish because too many of us have a disfunctional idea of what a relationship should be. However, I feel I have reached a level that I know I deserve more and will not accept less.