Retroactive Love.

Thinking about Tina inspires me to write. Somehow we just clicked through eye contact. Something I said to you caught your attention and the way you responded to what I said to you caught my attention and it just grew from there. I loved reading her letters - loved seeing her smile and her eyes because she was  bursting with so much personality and depth. I replay all the times in my mind where a beautiful, intellectual, insightful, open-minded, sweet, layed back little sister like you would have fit so perfectly in my life. So that’s why I smile everytime I see your face. It feels like I’m recapturing my past everytime I read your emails and see that big ole’ babydoll smile.

I needed a sister like you back in my day. You are completely selfless and unconcerned with what people are doing and thinking around and about you. You’re the kind of sister I could joke around and hang out with and be just as intensely in love with and everything is cool because you don’t have this preconcieved, pigeonholed idea of how life, friendships and relationships should be according to the unsaid bible of blackness.

You’re the kind of sister that could have survived and thrived within my self-contained world  and dealt with life’s issues together instead of taking life’s issues out on each other. I sense you would be the kind of sister that wouldn’t let anyone else into our world. I dunno. I just get that vibe about you. In case you’ve never experienced anything like that - there’s nothing else like it in the world. All I can say is, it’s as close as a person can get to dying and living at the same time while simultaneously having an out of body experience.

Back in my day too many sisters were more concerned with what other people thought about them rather than their own personal happiness. No, I didn’t give a damn about ‘the style’ back in the day or hang with a certain crowd. I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum and I still do. Looking back, I should have gone to an art school or at the very least I should have gone to public school up in New York. The opportunities to explore my talents would have been much greater and the audience of those that are like-minded would have been much greater.

You’re too easy to talk to because our thoughts and interests are so similar. Hmm.  Attraction is a very, very important thing. I know I can’t feel a woman no matter how open-minded, warm, and loving she is if I can’t stand to look at her in the face or worse - I’m simply just not attracted to her. Damn - there has to be some kind of attraction there, which is why I’m retroactively in love with you.