Father's Day.
Sunday, July 1, 2007 at 09:20AM
Notice how I left the word happy out of the title. I want to get something straight right now before I continue. I don’t hate my dad. I don’t wish any ill will towards him nor am I harboring any anger. But I don’t love my dad either. Lets cut right to the chase: My dad has stiffed me for the second time on a holiday within two years. I’ve always brought him Father’s Day, birthday, and Christmas gifts for his unappreciative ass since my mom and him got a divorce over 20 years ago. I even bought his second wife Christmas presents every Christmas since then. I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do but I mainly did it ironically because of my mom. My mom had never met her dad - he died when she was very young. She encouraged me to buy him gifts because she felt I was blessed to at least know who my dad is.
My mom and I have had an ongoing debate about the issue of dads for a long time. I understand how she could feel about being blessed to know about your father first hand - at least you know for yourself what kind of man he is or was. But my argument is I feel it’s better not to have known your dad if he was a no good son-of-a-bitch. My mom may have never met her dad but at least she knows he was an upstanding military man. Of course there are good and bad stories about him that have been 
floating around for decades but the important thing is as an offspring of that man you can at least make up in your own mind what you want him to be. But with someone like me that has watched my dad with my own eyes be nothing but a sorry excuse for a man, a father, and and husband day after day I don’t have the luxury of dreaming - wondering whether he was in some far off land somewhere fighting for his country or sailing the high seas or something like that. I know for a fact that he didn’t amount to much at all.
On the other hand, with my grandfather, a man whom I never met, there are stories of high adventure, chivalry, and manly deeds. My grandfather died in a boating accident a few years before I was born and I feel truly cheated. My sisters tell me stories of how he used to take them on road trips and buy them anything they wanted. He loved my sisters just like they were his own children. My mom would tell me stories of how proud and full of integrity he was. He was a true dapper man back in his day or what is known as a metrosexual today.
My sisters would brag about loving to sit on his lap because his face was smooth as silk and he always wore Old Spice. He was the first in the 
family to attend college - he attended Tuskegee University until his father died and he no longer had a way to fund his education. He served in the Korean war and worked hard as a laborer at a local plant. After serving in the military he came home and worked as a laborer at a local plant. In those days a plant job was as good as being a doctor or a lawyer - grandmama never had to work a day in her life even after my grandfather died. He was one of the first black men to buy up acres of land in the Birmingham area to build his own home.
However, there isn’t much to say about my dad. He was more of a hindrance than a help to his wife and family. Nevertheless, my mom encouraged me to to visit him as often as possible and buy him gifts on the holidays. 2 years ago my dad skipped town a few days before Christmas. He never called me, never dropped by to tell me where he was going - nothing. I showed up on his doorstep Christmas day with an arm full of gifts only to find an empty house. I didn’t hear from him until several months later but by then I had taken the gifts back. I didn’t speak to him for nearly two years before my oldest sister decided to jump on the bandwagon and take him to dinner for Father’s Day. It was her idea so see if she could establish some type of semblance of a family once again. I already knew it was a fruitless effort - as my mom always says, a leopard never changes it’s spots - but I played along anyway. Thing were okay for a short while but only because my sister and I had put all the effort into maintaining contact.
He called me once or twice and even talked of taking me fishing for the summer - That was months ago. I haven’t heard from him since. This past Father’s Day I tried to make one last effort to be a good son. I called him and told him I would be by on Fathers Day to spend time with him. He seemed to be his usual aloof self in the conversation, which immediately signaled to me that he was going to do a disappearing act. Nevertheless, I picked out a Father’s Day gift for him. My mom, as always, carefully wrapped his gift as she had done for nearly 20 years and I went on my way. I guess I don’t need to tell you that I called him several times but he was nowhere to be found. I drove by his house but this time I couldn’t go to the doorstep. I simply turned around and drove back home.
There’s an old saying that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Nothing makes me stronger than knowing that I’ve surpassed my dad - knowing I’m as different from him as night and day. Nothing drives me more than knowing I’m a better man than my dad could ever have hoped to have been.
Reader Comments (4)
Sad story. Perhaps your Mum is better off not knowing her Dad...
Sounds like your gramps made up for the slack in your sisters lives.
It may sound sad but I've learned to desensitize myself to his undesirable behavior a long time ago. My grandfather may have temporarily filled the void for my sisters but more importantly the stories of my grandfather helped me to shape my personality.
Thanks for the post, yeah father's day always brings mixed emotions around for me as well. I usually send my dad a card and my step-dad something really nice. Since I've become older and recognize that my dad is human is has made a lot of mistakes, it makes things better for me. So, I do try to initiate things with maintaining contact...
Sending a card is a good idea, Swoopey. Perhaps I should have tried just sending a card and leaving it at that instead of trying to go the extra mile for that man. It would have saved a lot of time and trouble and I wouldn't be of the mindset of excluding my dad from my life permenately.
Like you I understand my dad is human. However, to continue to be selfish, self-absorbed, and inconsiderate after years of making the same mistakes and unlimited attempts made by my sister and me to keep our dad in our lives only to be ignored and or forgotten has worn my patience and understanding thin.
I've come to the conclusion that this man will be excluded from my life. Why? Because what will happen when I decide to bring children into this world? Would I want my children to experience the same irresponsible, indifferent, self-absorbed behavior that I experienced as a child? Hell no. Don't get me wrong. I'm not angry with my dad nor do I carry feelings of resentment. I treat him as mearly a counterproductive asset that must be removed from my life. It is my responsibility to write a new chapter for my family and to right the wrongs that have been committed.