Why I am Single.
Sunday, March 2, 2008 at 05:11PM Why are you single? I’ve been asked that question several million times by women of all 
races and nationalities ranging from the age of 14 to 65. The answer is plain and simple: I refuse to comprimise my convictions. Now that doesn’t mean I go around giving hordes of women the thumbs down like some kind of self-absorbed, narcissistic, egomaniac. Those of you that have followed my blog are acutely aware of that.
What I mean by refusing to comprimise my convictions is, first and foremost, I will not allow myself to fall into a situation where I will abandon my faith in God and the doctrine of Christianity—I will not surrender my fundamental understanding of love. I will not yield to disfunctional concepts of love and friendship.
Whenever I’m asked that why-are-you-single question I’m compelled to respond with this question: Have you ever been in love? You see, too many people confuse love with lust and instant gratification or a stepping stone—one of many goals that must be achieved during the process of life such as graduating from college, landing the first job, buying a new car and purchasing the first home.
Albert Einstein was once quoted in saying: “How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”
Once you have experienced the essence, the unadulterated solemness of love you develop a self awareness and an awareness of life that facilitates a purpose, a direction in life—that is if you are blessed with the intellect and emotional maturity to comprehend what you’ve experienced.
Oh yes, I fully understood what overcame me when I fell in love for the first time—I spent nearly two decades trying to recapture that moment with other women before I finally came to the understanding that love cannot be denegrated. In all that time I was trying to recapture the essence of love through extrensic parameters knowing that I couldn’t just recreate the intensity, the chemistry, the oneness that occurs the moment you look into a woman’s eyes, so I tried to recapture the essence of love through extrensic parameters—I tried to approach love from a logical, extrinsic standpoint, which was my mistake.
Not having gotten into the game of love until I was in my early 20’s I felt I needed to catch up with a society that had already experienced the physical and emotional attributes and shortcomings of love or lust long before I had. I studied the various personalities of the women I encountered, trying to adapt, cope and comprimise with their differences.
By the time I had gotten a hang of romance many women my age, the ripe old age of 26, where either deeply, deeply involved with some guy or married, which is the interesting thing about women. They have this ticking time bomb-like timeline that things must be accomplished in the span of a lifetime.
I would be a millionaire ten times over if I had a dime for every female I came across that 
said they wanted to be married by 23, have 2.3 kids by 25, and be firmly settled in a career by 30. Of course, as you know, when a woman can’t adhere to that rigid timeline for whatever reason they become, for a lack of a better term, rather psychotic between the age of 29 to 34. So, to answer one of my reader’s questions: “Why don’t you date someone your own age?” It can be a pretty complicated ordeal.
The obvious choice for me was to date older women, primarily, because of the seriousness I tend to have when in a relationship. In my experience older women I’ve dated have either had the time to deal with not having accomplished certain romantic goals at certain times of their lives or have reconciled with the mistakes made in trying to adhere to such a rigid timeline. But what seemed to be misssing was the zeal, the fascination with life and the world. There was also a point where I focused my attention on younger women to capture the zeal and fascination but the missing element was the security and wisdom that comes with having lived.
I’m single because I refuse to give up on the notion that there is a woman out there that shares the same beliefs, goals, and aspirations in love, friendship and happiness. I consider each experience I’ve had with each woman to be valuable no matter what the differences in personalities I’ve experienced, no matter what the woman’s age was or race or nationality. The important thing is to collect and store the positive qualities of each experience and use those experiences as a guideline while continuing the quest for the right one for me.
Reader Comments (4)
This is the second foray I've made into your thoughts and I'm really enjoying the journey. My first - Your thoughts on Older vs Younger women made me smile since my attempts at connecting with a man my age has left me feeling out of place and way too young to settle. This post caught my eye and I wanted to tell my story.
Being 44 and never having been married, I get this question a lot. Especially since "getting married" seems to be what most women aspire to. I will admit hitting that mark at about 24. That's when you look around and see all your friends talking about and getting married and you (as a female) wonder if your getting left behind. I tried to do the right thing. Got engaged, Bought the dress - And ran. I knew I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I think in the long run I saved myself 100 pounds, 3 kids, heart disease and high blood pressure.
In the long run, I decided to look at the situation like this, If the man that I want to spend my life with became a paraplegic, would I still want him in my life. Would I be willing to spend my life in service to him in the worse situation, because - his core, his soul, the thing that drives him and makes him who he is, is more important to me than anything else.
I don't need someone who "completes me". I've been taking care of me and mine a long time. I'm searching for someone who "enhances" me and and life I'm already living. Who no matter if we made the earthquake with our passion that morning or whether I had visions of killing him that afternoon - when he walks into the house that night, my world becomes a little brighter.
It's all about someone being - not your soulmate but your best friend. Someone that no matter how pissed you get, you try to work it out. Your road dog, your ace, the one who knows all about you and likes you anyway.
"It's all about someone being - not your soulmate but your best friend. Someone that no matter how pissed you get, you try to work it out. Your road dog, your ace, the one who knows all about you and likes you anyway." --Nalani
I appreciate your sharing of your trials and tribulations on my blog, Nalani. That "soulmate" business and that "having one chance at love" is pure foolishness that has trickled down from Shakespearian/ Chaucer times.
The divorce rate is over 50% for a reason: because people are getting married for all the wrong reasons.
Like you, Nalani, I almost fell for that same trap of trying to get married by some deadline. I found out that I was simply wasting my time and devoted my energy to finding out who I am instead of letting society define me.
It's easy to fall in love the hard part is matching yourself with a person that has a tolerable set of idiosyncricies.
When people ask if I'll ever marry, I tell them that I'm looking for someone that's my level of crazy. At this point in life, we all carry some type of baggage. We've all been thru it. It's how we are when we get to the other side that counts. We're all a little crazy when it's all said and done. We just have to be careful that we don't find someone that aggravates or surpasses where we already are.
Erich From have a point explaining love as an art: Imagine a "painter" that never in his life paints nothing because he's expecting be be exposed to the perfect landscape and just do HIS masterwork. Of course when he thinks found it, he will paint bullshit.
But people is always thinking that at sometime they'll find the perfect "complement" to do their master-marriage-life.. with the same result!. As the painter, people should try to learn to love and not be just searching and discarding potential "perfect partners" (i.e. getting divorced time after time).