Crossroads With Sisters.
Thursday, May 8, 2008 at 07:56PM 
Everyone is entitled to their personal opinions. But what I take issue with is when black people, particularly, black women, premeditatedly and arbitrarily ostracize and alienate other blacks, particularly, black men who have chosen in the past or currently choose to date and marry outside of their race—not out of preference per se but due to the availability of desirable black women or lack thereof.
My issue is this: Firstly, if many black women are concerned with ‘their’ black men ‘betraying’ them for non-black women why are these women so hypocritical and contradictory as to condone or even go so far as to encourage other black women to date and marry outside of their race? Secondly, assuming that these black people, particularly, black women, have so much pride, love and unity for their people, their black men, how can they be so callous, indifferent, and intolerant—excluding certain black men from their pool of eligible black men due to something as petty as socio-cultural differences?
For all purposes lets exclude the demographic of black men and women that choose or have chosen to date and marry outside of their race for said superficial reasons, particularly, these black men and women that live in large metropolitan areas of the country where an abundance of eligible black men and women live yet ignore or squander that demographic. In my opinion these brothers and sisters are indeed narrow-minded, self-hating people that will never truly be happy until they deal with unresolved issues that range from bad childhood experiences with family members and/or friends to bad relationship experiences.
Black women must understand that just because a black woman is single doesn’t automatically qualify her as eligible or desirable. The number of single, successful, eligible black men may not be in abundance as single, successful, eligible black women but that certainly doesn’t mean brothers should lower their standards any more than sisters should lower theirs. Those of us black men that choose to set goals and accomplish them as well as maintain a certain standard of morals and character work just as hard, if not harder, to achieve success as our black female counterparts, therefore, we have the right to want equally yoked mates just as our female counterparts.
From my perspective there seems to be a romantic double standard many black women adhere to. Many black women presume to exercise the right to be selective for whatever said reason and are selective mostly for the wrong reasons in my opinion. But it is considered a mortal sin amongst some sisters for black men to be selective under any circumstances. What compounds the issue is the illogical standard many sisters subscribe to as a reference in choosing a man. After having talked with many sisters I’ve ascertained that these women purposefully choose brothers as mates under the assumption that they can either help these brothers improve on their shortcomings or assume that if they invest enough energy into being the best significant other they can be that their efforts should, in theory, overshadow those brothers’ shortcomings.
It is fruitless, in my opinion, for women to choose brothers while overlooking obvious irreconcilable differences for no other reason than to just say they have a man yet for whatever said reasons shun other brothers that are more refined. By sisters indefinately preoccupying themselves with flawed brothers they close the door of opportunity to meet the right black men that may be better suited to meet their needs, which leads to this question: Why close that door of opportunity in the first place?
In my experience many sisters, more often than not, close that door of opportunity because they are reluctant to broadening their horizons. In a day and age where people enjoy the privilege of access and the opportunity of financial empowerment more than at any other time in the history of the world no one, man or woman, should be unwilling to broaden their minds by exploring opportunities of cultural enlightenment due to lack of exposure, force of habit or peer pressure as children or as adults. I’m not saying a sister should go and try sky diving or rock climbing but a sister can be open to making exploratory baby steps. For too long black women and black people in general have limited themselves to their own self-imposed stereotypes:
1. Black people don’t go to the beach or engage in any type of watersports.
2. Black people don’t go camping or engage in any kind of outdoor activity that involves going into wooded areas.
3. Black people only eat fish or chicken (if it’s fried) or any traditional selection of soul food.
4. Black people don’t listen to ‘white folks’ music.
5. Black people don’t attend/understand/enjoy venues outside of your two basic sports groups: Football and basketball.
If you’re a brother like me, then you’ve experienced the infamous default generic response a typical sister will give you in reaction to observing your choice of entertainment:
“I’m not used to that because that’s what white folks do.”
It’s one thing if you’re with, Shaniqua, the sister that hasn’t been any further than the neighborhood corner store but when you’re with a woman that has had the time and the opportunity to be exposed to various cultural experiences yet she passes up the opportunity time and time again to do so, then that’s a problem. Some sisters want the class, the style, and the good hometraining a brother can offer yet they either don’t want or don’t know how to deal with the byproducts a brother aquires as a result of being raised to a higher standard. It’s a problem many sisters will have to overcome if they want to be content in a relationship.
Herein lies a crossroads—I encounter non-black women that appreciate the qualities a more refined brother possesses. Do I endure disappointment and rejection from my own sisters while simultaneously rejecting non-black women for no other reason than simply because they’re not black? That in itself sounds illogical considering the only reason to ‘stay true to my race’ would be preservation of one’s race. Black people are nowhere near in danger of becoming extinct. Do I follow my instincts—my heart—and align myself with a woman, regardless of race, who has walked into my life—who I may have valid feelings for and chemistry with? It is a decision I have to ponder in my head on a daily basis. In the end love and happiness is the only thing that matters and no one is responsible for achieving that state of atonement except me.
Reader Comments (4)
I don't have a problem of black men dating and marrying non-black women, That is up to them, I do have a problem with the double standard. When some black men are with their non-black wives/girfriends, they get mad when they see black women with their non-black husbands/boyfriends. People should be allowed to be who they love. Why is it when a black woman is with a man who is not black they are acussed of being a sellout, they are settling or non-black men only like women looking at Beyonce or Halle Berry. A lot of rubbish, each man is different, and people are individuals, people have to learn that they cannot decide for each other.
I agree with what you're saying, Felicity. What I can tell you is that there are double standards from both the black men's and black women's perspectives. It doesn't make it right but it does happen.
From my observation I've learned that when a black man or woman is involved with a non-black person yet they still have to give dirty looks to someone else whom is doing the same thing it means they're not happy with the person they're with. they're only going through the motions of interracial dating out of spite and vengeance rather than true attraction, which is as wrong and dirty as can be no matter what the excuse or reason.
I'm not one of those hypocritical people. I'm going to get mine whether it be a black woman or a non-black woman because in the end I'm the one that is responsible for my happiness.
If black men and women learned how to respect each other better in the first place there wouldn't be so many disgruntled men and women out there worried about who someone else is dating. They'd be too busy worrying about their own relationships to care.
wow ..it just seems as though black girls are blamed for alot..in this we are blamed for something..things like this brake my spirit..why is it always something we have done..not all black women dont want to water ski or tell black men not to date white girls..the only reason they might say that is..because there are so many great black girls being passed up these days because they are not up to the "white beauty standard" or dont " do the things" that white girls do. im sick of hearing people blame innocent girls for nothing. this is what hurts black girls. i know so many black girls hurt by black guys saying they have attitudes or that black girlls make the problem..like white girls are perfect..so before you make another post like this think about that please. take otehrs feelings into consideration. but as humans we think about our own feelings first. i also understand your point i have black female family members who tell my brother not to marry a white girl...they just say this because i have countlessly been turned down by guys who have chosen to date white girls and my parents dont understand why it happens so much. i think black women worry about mens relationships because they havnt dated in years because everyone they like is dating some one white and it makes them get the feeling that they arnt good enough if someone keeps dating a certain type of person that you can never be and it is obvious what that one thing is... that hurts..if it happened to you, you would understand but you may never.it always seems when black men bring up black women they bring up stereotypes..all the black men i know are "hood" but i wouldnt dare even bringing that up...until now.im sorry that "sistas" dont treat you right,...i geuss black men dont treat me right either..shall i make a list of all the things i like that black guys say is stupid?? elizabethian history..ice fishing..surfing..i dont know black guys that like to do that but i dont say thats why i date white men..because black guys are ghetto and give me the answer " thats white people crap".so if listed reasons right there why to never make assumptions about black women again..and not in the US because we are so trained to thiink one-minded.such tunnel vision mentality!
By the way, before I respond to your comments I have to tell you I peeped your blog. You have to live a little longer and open your eyes and ears a little more, Hazel.
For the last two decades it has been the brothers that have gotten all the blame for how the black community is in despair. Too many brothers are in prison, too many brothers are dead and dying from criminally related incidents, too many brothers are uneducated and of course too many brothers are gay. The media only exacerbates the problem by continuing to focus on the negatives of the black community while largely ignoring the strives many blacks are making everyday. It has only been recently that sisters have had to hear a little--that's right--a little criticism.
Before you go off on a rant on a brother that's old enough to be your dad and has seen and experienced a lot more than you have you should think about the feelings of the person's blog you're reading.
If hearing a little criticism like this is breaking your spirit imagine how brothers like me feel--have felt--for over thirty years. Brothers like me have heared a hell of a lot more than just criticism. Brothers like myself have worked hard at facing adversity to do the right thing only to be ostricized by our own people. We watch our sisters turn their noses up at us and run to the thugs. We watch the thugs wear out our sisters and when they're done they cast them aside--by then many of these sisters have had two or three children, become overweight, bitter, vindictive and spiteful, then they want Mr. do right.
Let me tell you something about this "white beauty standard" garbage you've been fed. No one has imposed this white beauty standard on sisters but themselves. Right now all you're experiencing are a bunch of young dudes that allow pop culture to dictate what their taste should be in everything from food to clothes to the opposite sex. There are plenty of grown brothers out there that would be more than happy with your good ole' fashioned, natural sister. But too many black females look to pop culture for style cues, which is caucasian driven, thinking if they look like a white girl life will be better for them--it won't.
Young brothers that are chasing after white girls when there are plenty sisters in supply aren't the kind of dudes young sisters should be beating themselves up over. If a dude wants a white girl he'll go get one. He doesn't have to have a sister that looks white he can just get the real thing and be done with it, so a sister changing the way she looks to get attention from these dudes is a fruitless effort.
Simultaneously, you're ignoring the fact that many young brothers aren't born thugs. They don't come out of their mom's wombs wearing sagging pants, dew rags and crip walking. They learn that shit at a young age and immulate thug behavior because they see the young dudes that get the most attention from girls are the ones that are thugged out.
And choosing not to talk about a subject like this from a male or a female perspective is not a way to deal with this issue. That's all black America does anyway. We don't deal with issues that affect our community--we don't talk about our 'dirty laundry' we just ignore it and hope it will just go away. A lot of brothers out there, good brothers, are suffering in silence, trying to fight the good fight alone. We need to be more vocal about our disposition, particularly, a disposition that isn't of our doing.